Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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