I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
