update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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