think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
