I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
