Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We got so high we made milksteak
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
