I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
