i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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