Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Randomize
