I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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