He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
