I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
