I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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