just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
