So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
