I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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