I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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