He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
