i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
