38 yer olds are good kisserssss
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
