Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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