and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
