I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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