Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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