mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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