You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
