I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
