Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
