You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
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