im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
