Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
