Apparently you make a good broom.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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