Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
be right there i have to get my cape
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
