He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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