No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
