Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
