I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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