god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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