Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
