It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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