Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
