wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
