dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
