you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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