Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I wish I only lived at night.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
