i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
