I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Randomize
