I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
