If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
