Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
