my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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