perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
