Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
