so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
