I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
