Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
