I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
