So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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