Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Randomize
