What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
