you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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