im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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