Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
